Speaker 0 00:00 <inaudible>. Hi and welcome to. That makes total sense. The podcast where we talk about faith, finance and everyday life in a way that makes total sense. I'm your host Alexis obesity. On this podcast you'll hear the personal stories of friends I'll be interviewing who are doing familiar things in new and innovative ways. We'll answer questions specifically about money and our relationship with it and we'll explore faith and Bible teaching together in all of these. It's not about changing our convictions as much as it is about messing with our methods. We'll have a lot of moments here together where we pause then say that makes total sense. Welcome to that makes total sense. I am Alexis BU SETI guys. I am like not even knowing what to say in the intro to this podcast. I feel like there are some people who are going to hear this who are going to be set free from some sin in your life, from some trauma in your life, some from something in your life that you thought was a part of who you are.
Speaker 0 01:13 And this testimony from my friend is going to point you to Jesus and you are going to see that he is bigger and stronger and better than whatever it is you're holding onto. So I'm not going to preach anymore. I'm going to let my friend, I'm going to let my friend do that. Nisha Pittman is on the show today. She is one of my close friends in real life. We actually got to record this episode in person since um, our Covidien, uh, orders have been lifted and we actually got to record this together in my home and it was just so much fun. Nisha is married to Michael and she owns a clothing brand and apparel company called nothing by God. And we're going to link all of that in the episode notes for you. Niches testimony. Part of it is that she used to live a gay identified homosexual lifestyle and Jesus saved her and freed her and now she lives her life completely and utterly devoted to him.
Speaker 0 02:26 And um, it's just incredible. And so she jumps right in and gives us the full story on this. And so there's definitely nothing graphic in this conversation, but I do want you to be aware that that is the theme. This is her testimony. And so that's going to be the topic of this conversation. If you have sensitive ears around you, I just want you to be aware of that. Um, I'm going to link everything in the notes, but like I said, uh, Nisha does own an apparel company and she has given us a discount code for her, uh, for her clothing, which is so awesome. I, one of the hats I have, I wear constantly and anytime I wear a shirt from her line, I get a comment every time I go out. So definitely check out her stuff and definitely listen to this conversation and enjoy, uh, this time that I have with my good friend Nisha Pittman.
Speaker 0 03:22 Hi, I'm Alexis besetting and welcome to that makes total sense. I was just telling our guest today that I think I get more nervous interviewing my friends in real life than I do just my normal guests that are so gracious to come on the show. And today the friend who's actually, okay, we need to talk about this. She's actually sitting across from me. Yes, we are technically six feet apart. I, although we did give a little side hug earlier, noggin lie, because we're opening up a little bit in the city. So anyway, this is my friend Nisha Pittman. I'm going to let her give you a little bit of context for who she is, where she lives, what she's doing, and then we're going to get into niches. Incredible story.
Speaker 1 04:04 Well, Hey y'all. Okay. I know you probably like in your car or a dog and you're doing something cool. I already know it. But guys, I am Nisha Pittman. I'm happy to be a friend of Lexus and I live here in Houston, Texas. Woop. Um, originally from Beaumont, Texas. For those of you who don't know, it's the little dot that you see that's right next to the Louisiana border. That's Beaumont, Texas. Originally. From there I'm married to Michael Pittman, who is an awesome husband. Um, we have zero children as of now, but you know, Hey Tom and patients cause we were trying to take time and patients before we get there. Um, um, but yeah, so with all that being said, um, Alexis says that I have a testimony to share with you guys and I am very, very much so excited to share that testimony.
Speaker 1 04:51 And here's the thing. This is the, is this a Twitter version of it? Twitter version. I was gay. Now I'm not, um, Instagram version. Um, I lived the homosexual lifestyle for several years. Thought I was born that way and God showed me that I was not. And now here's the podcast version. There we go. A podcast version is honestly, um, so let's just take it back to the beginning. Um, I, I remember having gender confusion as early as elementary, um, as early as like maybe the fourth or fifth grade, maybe even before that, to be honest. I remember, um, growing up and getting to an age where I had to start wearing the trainer bras and it's like, ah, who really wants to wear this? Um, I used to run around the house. Of course, you know, I'm in the house, you put your pamper on or you put your hand these on you go run a, you go have fun cause you're home.
Speaker 1 05:50 Um, but I remember when that started changing and I started having questions as into why do I have to wear this extra piece of clothing? But my uncle, um, who I clearly look up to in so many different ways, he just walks around the house with, you know, his pecks out. So why do I have to cover up here and cover up there? And I remember that moment in this, it was so impressionable back then and um, is that, why am I different? Is there something wrong? It felt like a bad thing for me. It felt like I lost a piece of freedom and that over time into being correlated with, um, being a woman or being a girl. And so if we flash forward some more years, now I'm in, um, elementary and I was what people consider to be a quote unquote tomboy, which I really don't like the word, um, not what it stands for now, but, uh, flash forward and now I dress a certain way.
Speaker 1 06:51 I love to play basketball. I'm the girl who would much rather be running around in the field with the boys playing football, um, doing all of those activities and hated pink. My favorite color was blue. Okay. Blue and green and red. But that's what I liked. I liked to draw, I like to play sports but don't you think there was like, no, I mean what was part of the issue like that there was not a feminine model for how to do those things. Right? Like you know, cause I'm thinking, cause we use that term too when I was a kid, right? Like Oh she's such a tomboy or whatever. Um, and there, and there has like some certain, certain like connotation or something like that, but like I'm looking at like the Williams sisters right now. Right. I'm like, these, these chicks are tough athletes.
Speaker 1 07:44 Right. You know, like, but I'm like, but they are, they express their athleticism in a very feminine, right, right. And they're not the only example, but there are lots of celebrity examples and, and I would say maybe even not celebrity, but was there not like a, I don't know. I feel like back then, and I'm a little bit older than you, but I would say, I feel like even back then in my childhood, there wasn't necessarily, you were, it was kind of binary. Like you're either this or that, like you're a tomboy or you're a girly girl, but there's not really an in between. And there's not like, you can't do this in like a super feminine way or something like that. Um, yeah. I don't know. I think that you're right. Um, the closest thing I had to it honestly was my mom. My mom was the type of woman who would, um, put on like, you know, JS or just tennis shoes and no makeup but her nails will be done and go about life has no problem with picking up things getting dirty.
Speaker 1 08:42 My mom was that woman and uh, and she still is to this day, but at the same time she'll flip a switch and next thing you know, she's in heels. Okay. Look at all like, you know, looking great in full makeup, all of that she can dress up and dress down. So I did have some context before me that I could, um, kind of see, but that did not stop the confusion that ultimately happened. But let's be honest here. I mean, you know, there's a guy, he doesn't like us, his name is Satan. We go this, we call him that. That's his title. He's just so anytime he has an opportunity to twist, um, an emotion, a feeling or a thought process, he's going to take it. He's not going to just sit there and, and let the ammunition pass by. And I feel like that's what happened.
Speaker 1 09:29 And it happened as early as, you know, childhood by childhood, I mean like five, four, you know, um, and then up into preteens. So, but yeah, so elementary I struggled. I remember trying to tell this one friend that I had like a struggle, knew of course she was a girl. And, um, it's, is, I've been processing this lately actually. Um, so I remember expressing the concern that I had for myself to her about it. Like, Hey, I don't know what's going on here, but this is what's happening. I think I might like girls, you know? And she literally like stopped being my friend. I was going to say, did she bolt? Yeah. I mean, I can, I can imagine. I mean, what's she gonna do? Let me, let me be a fourth, fifth grader, you know. Right. This in depth conversation with my friend who's struggling, you know, she doesn't even know what she's thinking yet.
Speaker 1 10:17 Um, and of course the stigma or at least what it was back then was like really bad. Like, you know, um, yeah, we're not gonna dive into that right now, but, so yes. So it was straight bolt. I'm out of here, we don't have to be friends anymore is cool. So that happened. And I remember there being, um, hurt because it's like, I did not tell you this because I was trying to like make us a thing. I told you this because I want help. Right. I don't know what to do with the fact that I filled this and I certainly can't just go tell my mom or go tell, you know, even though my mom was like, tell me when you struggle with things. And she was very open, but it was so close to home and I'm like, I don't know. I don't even know what I'm feeling yet.
Speaker 1 11:02 And so if we take that wave and we carry all the way over, there's sports in between. There's, um, puberty in between all these different things happening. And let's say we go ahead and just move forward to high school. Um, high school is when, let's say the struggle got real, right. Um, because now I'm realizing that I have these boyfriends and I don't care. Not like most girls cared, you know, like, Oh, really? I look cute because I'm going to say him. I was like, Oh, okay, I'm going to see that guy today. Right. Whatever. There's no butterflies for you. Not really, and I'm not going to say there was none, but it's just, it didn't seem like what my close friends had for the guys that they liked. Right. I was more so like, Hey, can we hang out, go play ball. Right. Go chill out, go dance close to dance in high school a lot.
Speaker 1 11:58 Like let's go dance. Like let's go do that instead. But you know, of course the guys are interested in the googly eyes and switches and all this other stuff and that stuff was just, might as well have been throw up on the floor. Well it's like there was no, maybe what I'm hearing is like there is no, in fact you wait because it's infatuation. There are those few and far between stories. My parents were actually one, they were high school sweethearts, they got married. They've been married 110 years since then. But that's not the norm. Right. In high school it's infatuation and like there's no infatuation for you with these high school dudes. No. Yeah, yeah. Not even close to being interested in anything other than, um, a friendship. Right. So, um, with that being said, it's just kind of, it grew and, um, so over time, I want to say my junior year to my senior year is when it became like, Oh snap, why do I have these different emotions within me that I feel, not necessarily towards anyone in particular, but just women.
Speaker 1 13:01 I was just kinda like, why are y'all awesome? Why are you also pretty, why do I want to look at you guys longer than I want to look at guys? Why is this thing growing? And so, um, I want to say it was either the summer before going into college because college is when things really got interesting. Um, is it the summer before going into college or the summer? Going into my summer, uh, my senior year, but let's just say before college, um, I was helping our head coach. She was the head basketball, head volleyball and softball coach. I was helping her with volleyball camp, which means I was officiating and so really, really fun cause I got to get free food, hang out with friends and whatnot. So, um, I was doing that and uh, let's just say I was officiating a game and a young lady who, I don't know her till, I don't know her name, I don't even think I ever got it.
Speaker 1 13:51 But, um, she sees me and she looks at me in a way that I have, I had only had men look at me or boys look at me and it shocked me and it gave me that butterfly since and because she wasn't ugly and so it was just kind of like, Whoa, what was that? And if it felt quote unquote natural right. The time. And um, and so she looks at me and she smiles or whatever and she, she walks over cause at the time I'm wearing like skinny jeans with my baby t-shirt cause that was cool baby. So wearing that and she says, you have a really nice lower stomach. Whoa. And very forward, right? Yeah, a little bit. Yeah. <inaudible>
Speaker 1 14:43 she just spits it out and I'm just like, Oh, thank you. She was like, well, you, I really like it. Or whatever you should consider, maybe do a belly button, it will look really like sexy or whatever. She says something along the lines of attraction attractive. But beyond like that would be cute. And I remember thinking like, wow, it honestly at the time and knock my socks off. Um, I remember feeling like I want to feel that thing again. And it doesn't necessarily have to be with this person, but that felt more natural for me at the time than anything I had experienced dealing with a young man. So you felt like really like that experience felt really affirming to what you had been feeling for this whole time? Yes. Like maybe this is a thing, right? Maybe it's not like in my imagination or something like that.
Speaker 1 15:39 Like maybe this really is a thing. That's what this feels like. Right? So of course, um, there's now even more conflict because I want to dive straight into this thing now. Right now I want to pursue it, but at the same time, it's like, what is my grandmother thing? What's my mom's gonna think what my friend gonna think? I have friends who are girls. I don't want them to be like, Oh no, you, you know, and pretty much disowned me. Like I had one friend in elementary, so, um, it's just, it kind of got really interesting internally. And um, and actually, yes, it was going into my senior year because my senior year was even more stuff. And there was this other girl that I kind of was interested in, but I was like, I can't bring myself to do this. That's not who I am.
Speaker 1 16:24 Try my best to stay away from it. And so now if we flash forward to college, can I stop you for a second? Go for it. What made you think like, what was the, what was the restraint? What was the reason behind this restraint when you said to yourself, that's not who I am. Because part of it is like, this feels natural. This is affirming. This feels this. Right. And it's gotta be something more than what will my grandma think. Yeah. Like it sounds like an internal yes. Struggled man. Good question. Okay, awesome. So thank you so much for asking that. So here's the thing, I, I actually had a revelation recently. Um, I used to say that I didn't grow up in the church, right. And I talked to my mom and my grandma not too long ago, like maybe a month ago. And they were like,
Speaker 2 17:11 Actually you come to this. And I'm like, did I really never like that
Speaker 1 17:17 They cared that you went to was definitely a Christian daycare and they taught you the Bible and you were a part of all these Bible plays. Like I remember the plays, but I did not. Of course I didn't remember the concepts, you know, I was a kid. But, um, so there's that. And then up until about, I want to say middle school, we were going to church regularly. Like get you butt up, put on these stockings.
Speaker 2 17:44 No, I know. Stockings. Okay. There was a time I wouldn't wear, I wouldn't wear pants to church. And I was like, listen. And Seth was like, Oh my God, he was wearing shorts. We were going to this contemporary church in Oakland. You know him, we're going to this contemporary church. No, cause he doesn't care about rules. He didn't care about any of this. I was like, are you kidding? He was like, why don't just put on a pair of pants and let's go. And I'm like, I can not wear pants to church. What do you mean glad I'm not wearing right? Like anyways, abs aren't safe. Not saying kneecaps please. That's a privacy. So you know, I know stock and so do I. So get your butt up but your stockings on and go straight. So that was a thing. And um, I remember like once they said, I was like, you know what, you're right. I totally remember going there, sleeping on your lap, sucking on a peppermint and stuff like that. I totally remember that.
Speaker 1 18:41 And uh, and then I had a good friend of mine whose name is Deshana. She's awesome. Um, when in high school I would go to church with her family cause they had a church. And so whenever we will spend a night with her, they were like, it's Sunday, you know, like, you know, we do, we go to church and so of course I would go. So I would get sermons here and there. So it's not like I didn't know God, but I will say that my relationship with him is nowhere near what it, what it is currently. It was just kind of like that guy that I know who cares, don't quite know him that well, but I know his name is Jesus. That's cool. Okay. If I made him talk to him, right. So, well with that being said, I did have some concept of homosexuality is totally a sin.
Speaker 1 19:31 There is a place call Hill. If you go into this, you're going to end up there. Um, and that's the same with everything. Drunkardness laziness, lying, killing, all of that. So I knew all of those things were bad and I shouldn't dive into it. So with knowing that and having this thing happen, it's like I can't just go and do this because I clearly know that it's wrong. But it was like a moral, internal struggle. It was like a moral internal struggle. Yeah. Got it. For sure. Okay. Sorry. Let's, we can keep going now. Okay. So just college. Um, ha man. It was almost like that song who let the dogs out, like it got real, right. It was like freedom. Um, and initially, honestly, I played softball, went on a softball scholarship. So, um, I was there, you know, play my sport and get my grades and um, just succeed, be successful academically.
Speaker 1 20:25 Like in my, in my sport, that's what I was there for. But it's solely turned into other things. And so, um, my freshman year we were in what they call, uh, the dorms or whatnot. They had a different name for, I can't remember at the moment, but yeah, we were there. The UC. Okay. So, yeah, we're there. And, um, all the freshmen girls, um, they break you up into different buildings and they do same thing for boys. So there's no, uh, there's no co-mingling. Um, we're all separate from one another and I didn't have a problem with that, so whatever. But over time I befriended, um, another young lady who lived in the same building and, um, and we, we, we became pretty close over like a couple months or whatever and we would always hang out, thought she was really cool. She was a whole lot of fun down for the same random stuff I was down for, have, have a great time, be silly.
Speaker 1 21:13 And so over time I started having people say to me, uh, in the building who I was close to like, Hey, are you gay? And you know, college, everybody's like really blunt, very in your face. And I'm like, yeah, here, no, you know, I'm still trying to live within this, uh, shell. But honestly, like a shell, it was growing weaker and weaker and weaker over time. And I S I think that what happened was there was a combination of things. I had a teammate who was completely in that lifestyle, very fun. Everyone loved her and she would look at me and say, you're gay. And I know that you don't know it yet, but you are kind of like a, it takes one to know one kind of thing. Yeah. Like, like I'm gay and so I like, I know I can tell how I'm calling it out.
Speaker 1 22:07 Yeah, exactly right. So I'm, I'm just kind of like, no, I'm not back off. Right. You knows, chill out. I'm chilling. Um, so this thing is happening. And then so around that same time period, uh, I find out through a mutual friend of me and the friend that I had befriended, the young lady I had befriended that, um, really try my best, not to use names here, but yeah. So I find out through a mutual friend that she actually has a crush on me and like the girl you've been hanging out with. Yeah. And there was, there was a couple of things that crossed my mind like, but did, was she like out, I mean, can we use that? Can we say that? Like what, like, yeah, she was. Okay. She was so like you, you knew she was gay when you guys were hanging out?
Speaker 1 22:56 Right. Okay. But I was like, I don't care your friends. Yeah. Right, right. Exactly. So that was probably like red flag number one. I was just messed that whole thing up. I've never thought about the fact that I already knew. Oh gosh. Okay. So, um, yeah, so a mutual friend says, you know, Hey, so and so has a crush on you. And I was like, no, she doesn't. In the back of my head I'm like, Oh my gosh, can I believe it? This person's, she's attractive in the face and everything else. Like I was like, why? Like why would you even be attracted to me? And that's kind of how I felt about it. And um, so that happens. And then the next thing is like, Oh crap, what am I going to do about this? And so it's either like I'm gonna continue being her friend and not like acknowledge it or I'm going to say something or any acknowledged it.
Speaker 1 23:52 Right. Or I am going to lie, just cut her off completely. So these are all the options that I have on a table. And so the, the crazy part about it is, is that apparently I somewhere internally had a crush on her too. And so over time I do tell her she's really excited about it. I'm freaking out because I'm like, this is not something I was trying to do, but what the heck? Because at this college, you've never had a lesbian relationship. Yes. That is facts, right? Yeah. Right. But she probably had, yeah. Yeah. So this is not, this is not, this is old hat to her. Kind of like this is just normal relationship stuff. Right. For her. But you're freaking out. Yeah, I'm freaking out. Yeah, definitely. Um, lot of waxing and waning, I guess you can say. I can imagine. So of course, like any college, um, lesbian relationship, if I'm being honest, we just straight into it. Um, we're going to get married and I'm just getting, but it, things do progress fairly quickly. And um, like a lot of college romances do a lot of college. Yeah. Here today. Now we're at them. There you go. Yeah, exactly. So we progress very quickly. And, um, I remember having so much inner turmoil because it's like,
Speaker 1 25:10 I don't want to like this, But I've really liked this. Right? I don't want to feel safe here, but I really feel safe here. And so it became,
Speaker 1 25:27 What do I do? Cause some part of me knows that I shouldn't be doing this, but I cannot deny the fact that I feel freedom here. And so I go, um, and time bills and I ended up having to tell my mom and which that was ridiculous, um, to have to not cause I'm, you know, I'm in college, I'm away from home, so I have to call my mom. Oh no, until her, this life altering information. Like you know, after this, things won't be the same. They will never be the same after this. So I console a friend, which is my roommate and I'm like, Hey, I got something to tell you cause things are still in the rap at this point. And she's like, what? And I tell her
Speaker 2 26:15 I didn't do that.
Speaker 1 26:20 Right, right. Like we all, we all already know you're not, it's not a secret. Right. You know? And so I asked her like, man, I have to tell my mom, but I don't even really know how she's going to take it. I don't want to be disowned. I don't really know what's going to come of this. And you know, she's like, girl, go for it. I mean, what do you have to lose? Just being a college friend? Like, you know, we're kids, we don't really know how to really, um, give advice, right?
Speaker 0 26:44 No, she tried and I'm down for that, you know, I appreciate her trying and making me feel comfortable. So I get up from that conversation and I go in, I call my mom and I'm crying and I'm like, I got something I got to tell you, I don't know how you're going to take it. And so I tell her, I'm like, I am gay. I'm living this lifestyle and I have a girlfriend.
Speaker 4 27:08 And
Speaker 0 27:09 One of the first things I remember she asked me was, are you sure? Wow. And I told her, basically, I'm more sure about anything that I had been about up to that point. I'm sure that this is where I want to go with my life. And then the next question was, um, are you happy? Um, and um, I told her, yeah. Um, I am happy. Um, and so then she followed all of that up and they're all pregnant pauses in between all these questions cause she's processing her entire life thinking about this as a mother. And I'm like, no, no, you didn't. You just didn't do that. Right. You did not literally just call your mother and tell her that over the phone. Right? Yes. So where to go Neesha's mom, because I'm like, calm down, let's, you're cool. Right? It's good at times cause he was gonna be fine. Right. So then she follows it up and this is like classic my mom.
Speaker 4 28:10 Well yeah,
Speaker 0 28:11 I don't approve of it. I'm not happy about it. But you are my daughter and I love you and nothing will ever change that. See, it's so good.
Speaker 0 28:25 My job, like what was I supposed to do with that other than cry. Right, right. You know, I mean I can do anything but ball, you know, because at the end of the day I wanted her affirmation that it's okay. Which she did not give me. Right. She straight up told me the truth like this is not okay. I don't approve of it but I still love you and you're still my daughter. You know. And I feel like that was um, the catalyst that the Lord will use down the line. So let's speed this thing up here, but before we speed it up, yes. Cause I'm ready to speed it up, but I would say I watched this video this morning. I'll send it to you. Okay. The gram later. But I think it was Brian Lordis I think, but he was, it was in a different context, but he was talking about how in the evangelical church at large, we tend to be high theology and low relationship.
Speaker 0 29:28 Oh, come on. And he said so factual. But Jesus, yeah. Was high theology and high relational. Yeah. And, and so he's like, look, he, he truth, he called out sin. He did all of these things while at the same time maintaining high relationship. Even Peterson, he said he talked with him about it over a meal. Yeah. Which I'm like, I'm hearing that from your mother right now. I'm hearing theology say, I don't approve of this. Yeah. This is not okay. And I'm here in her relationship. Yes, I love you. You will always be mine. Right. This is, this is it. Right. And I'm like, this is where, hang on. We'll pause it, but this is where we ought to live. Yeah. This just got fuzzy though. Okay. Now it's back. Ooh, okay. Now it's back. It's probably me going into it. Oh crap. Sorry Seth.
Speaker 0 30:27 All right. This is where we ought to live though as believers, right. Where we have got to be high theology and high relationships. Right? I mean, he went a little further in the video was great, but he was talking about, you know, even even people writing position papers on things like homosexuality or doing this thing in, in poverty or race or whatever. And he says, who are your friends? Do you have any friends in that community? Come on, because if you don't have any friends in that community, I don't want to read your position paper. Right. And I'm just book that. That's what I hear in your mom. Even though she may not be a theologian, but I hear high theology, high relationship. Oh yeah. In that response, right. Which is like this, this is what the goals for me. Right? High theology and high relationships. So I just wanted to put, I just wanted to kind of sneak that in there, but please, let's speed it up. So you got a girlfriend, your mom's heart is wrenching like her mom's heart and then what? Um, so yeah, so she hits me with the love of Christ, right?
Speaker 1 31:35 Then I have to basically process the fact that I have a acceptance with non-approval, if that makes sense. Right. It's like I'm permitting you because I love you, but I don't approve of this. Right. And so that basically the next couple months I want to say are like, I'm, I'm your girlfriend. I'm now, I'm not your girlfriend. I'm your girlfriend again. Now I'm not your girlfriend. And I'm back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, because that's literally what it felt like in the inside, right? Like, I don't want to do this, but I like this, so I'm ready to do this. And went through all of that. Um, let's just say, um, I did not drink in high school, didn't I smoke in high school, I was pretty much like, play my sport, get my grades, go home. Like that's literally what I did.
Speaker 1 32:19 But unfortunately that began to change in college. So now I'm dealing with this thing where I'm trying to figure out this whole sexuality and I'm becoming more and more comfortable with it. Like I'm just going to do it and be done. I'm starting to have that type of resolve. And now alcohol is being introduced into my, and alcohol has a tendency to give a person the false sense of I will maybe like a superhero syndrome, right? Like, yeah, you got it. Yeah. Yes. Come on. I can walk up, do whatever I want to do, say whatever I want to say hi, or I want to do it, you know? So that begins to happen more and more regularly. Um, my clothes over the years began to change. So that was my freshman year. And just a note, I'm no longer with her cause she's like, you get on my nerves cause you keep flip-flopping on me and I got time for this. And I'm like, that's fair. Right.
Speaker 1 33:16 Um, I was just a very angry, confused, sad, happy, joyous, all of those bags in one big suitcase. It was ridiculous. Um, so over time now we're not together anymore. I slowly began to realize, dude, I really don't want to dress like a girl anymore. I totally want to dive into like the other side of dressing, which was more Mellish. So I buy boys shirts and boy pants. And I remember the first time actually the first pair of boy pants I wore, someone gave them to me cause I was like, I can't fit these but they should fit you. And so he gave them to me and I rocked those pants. And the first time I rocked them I was like, yo, first of all, this is comfortable. This is not tight. Like my other girl, my girl pants are, and the response that I got from people was even more affirming of the confidence that wearing them gave me, which was like now instead of it, it was more like, you look good.
Speaker 1 34:18 I like people saying like, you look good like this. I like how you look like that. Or Adam jeans look good on you. Like different things like that, your style. I found it like I'm sliding into, you know, and so that only encouraged and fueled the buying of more uh, boy pants, boys shirts, hats, all kinds of stuff. So I'm just full on in now. And now if you flash forward like another year, there's no flip flop. Just like a guy dressed like a girl. That's like only guy. I've gotten rid of all my girl underwear. All my girl clothes are gone, dresses, what? Never liked them. So I'm certainly not wearing that, you know, and this is how I'm carrying myself. And it also did not help along the way that I met another young lady. My God. Oh yeah. And another young lady.
Speaker 1 35:07 Um, that really just added more fuel to the fire. Um, she was definitely someone that I initially was not interested in on that level. She just looked like, she was like always mad and I was like, why are you mad? Like freaking be happy lady. Like you know, but that is up leading into a relationship that was not supposed to be. If I'm being Frank with you, it's supposed to be like a one time thing and it turned into like a whole and entire what, five year relationship or something like that. It was, it was long basically. Um, maybe not five years, but let's just say the extent of dealing with this person was like five years. And so, um,
Speaker 1 35:52 Okay. That relationship was really hard for me because at the time I thought it was great, but anytime I reflect on it, um, I realized that I really did lose myself. Um, I changed the way I dressed completely in that relationship. My walk changed, my talk changed. Um, what up y'all? How y'all doing? You know, like what? Usually lips, like they still move. You can use your tongue, like you don't have to have this Mellish demeanor. Now I am wearing boy underwear, I'm buying boxer briefs. You know, my mom is looking at her daughter like she, you, yes, you are definitely not my kid. Like you're, and not that she's saying like I hate you. Don't come to my house. It's definitely like come to my house and hang out. We're going to laugh, look at movies and do everything that we used to. But I could tell that the way that she looked at me was different.
Speaker 1 36:52 Like I remember dealing with my grandma and not knowing how to Christmas shop for me. Yeah. You know, like what do you wear? You know, and them having the conflict of not wanting to buy those things but having love for me. So they did it anyway, you know, is so dealing with just a lot of that. Um, I ended up not having to quit softball cause I had an injury during that time period that couldn't be healed during, um, for surgery. I went to surgery, they said they couldn't fix it. They wanted me to raise her and another year I was like not doing it. So that opened up the door cause I had now all these other free time I started smoking weed and let's just say if there was a cliff, I took a straight nosedive off the edge of it. Now I'm smoking constantly drinking constantly and just know I'm smashing up, uh, several years into one here.
Speaker 1 37:46 And it basically I was led into straight up depression. Um, ended the depression that you decide that this life, unless I'm high or am I drunk, it's really not worth living. And so, uh, there was a couple instances over the years where I really did consider taking my life. I remembered it was a day. Um, I don't even know how long I stood in that window. Let's just say it was the middle of the day when I was started staying there. And by the time it was over with my roommate who has like an evening class was home and she actually came in my room to come get me. Cause when she pulled up, I was still standing there. And the whole time I was standing there, I was contemplating my life like, dude, I don't want to be here anymore. This person that I've been on and off with, they keep like leaving me.
Speaker 1 38:43 They here's the, here's a kicker, won't marry me cause I did ask and got rejected but they still live with me and I just have all of these weird conflicted, um, emotions and the insight and I don't know what to do with them. My, my self worth is down the drain. Um, I really got deeper into certain aspects of this lifestyle because of this person. And it's just like I was introduced to, you know, gay clubs, gay TV shows, doing other things that are not godly. Um, I got introduced to a lot of that stuff through that person. And I'm not saying that that person is a bad person, beautiful person, but has a lot of baggage too. And so it's like, I feel like what I'm hearing as your, as your friend now and as we sit here as believers. Yeah. Like the thing that I've, that I, that just like crosses my mind is like what started off and it was fun and it felt like freedom.
Speaker 1 39:48 Yeah. It was bondage. Yes. Yeah, but you didn't know it was bond and not at all because you weren't introduced to it as bond address. Nobody would do it. Come on, here's the thing and not meaning to cut you off, but that is literally with Satan does, he has he, he hands you a Popsicle. It is your favorite color and your favorite flavor. Right? But you have no clue that under that is actually an a sword. Right? And when you get to the bottom of it and you take that last lick, you are going to be cut in a way that's going to take you years to be healed. And that's exactly what happened. It started off fun, started off new, started off freedom and ended up, and I cannot start my day without smoking. I have to have at least one shot I down a bottle of wine by myself in a matter of like an hour and feel nothing.
Speaker 1 40:41 So I need more than just that now. It started off, it started off great and ended up in multiple seriously contemplating jumping off the L I over the rail onto AC systems because I don't want to be here anymore. Anger that punches holes in walls because I don't want to punch this person cause I, I clearly love her, but I'm going to just destroy everything around you. I don't care if we got to pay for this out of our student loan money, but, um, I'm destroying everything around you because I am angry and I don't actually know why I'm mad, but no one seems to be able to fix it, including me. And I'm over it. I don't know if I want to do this thing called life anymore so that that season in my life, I really wish I could say that it was short, but it wasn't.
Speaker 1 41:31 Um, but in the ups and downs of being with that person, we were, we were together. We were not together. In between that, I was every bit of a thought for lack of better terms. I mean I had this demeanor that only Satan energized it in and fed off of other people's insecurities and or their own temptations that they were dealing with. And so I had the quote unquote like a negative side of discernment. Like I could see the fact that this person might be struggling with homosexual thoughts and I would just approach that person and pull that thread and I would like to say that I was, I was not successful, but unfortunately I was. You were exploiting it. Exactly. And you were just exploiting it. Yes. And that's so it's like not only do do it did I have this person who we were not good for each other and we, we pretty much like grounded each other to dust and like, but I'm also now I'm doing it to other people now I'm dragging them into this lifestyle and got them all confused now and I'm not planning on being with none of them.
Speaker 1 42:41 I'm just, this is how I have fun. This is what I do. Because this is the only time when they say I love you. It's the only time I feel that piece or the only time I feel like I'm worth, there are only time I feel like my life was worth living. But after you say it once and you said it a couple of times, now I'm done. I got to go find another one to say it. It was a high exactly. And I was constantly searching for it. So I went through that time period and uh, and just to, if you want to go back and ask more questions about it, you can. But to cut that thing short, I ended up, um, running into God, I wouldn't say I'm ready for that romance. Let's bring it. I'm like, I've done enough about it.
Speaker 1 43:24 You got it. Okay. He was stupid. Um, but no, you run into God. I'm like, well, I'm like, when do you meet Jesus? Man, I'm ready. And here is in the middle of all of that, all of that chaos in the middle of it. And God is so good how he does things. Um, I didn't have the, and I would just tell you that I didn't have like the whole, Oh, I got saved in an instant. My life changed. No, no. He had to overwhelmingly chase me down. Reckless love of God. Right, right. Do that whole thing with me. And so, um, after I'm done with softball and I'm like, okay, now I'm doing this whole weed thing, doing all that other stuff, I have a snap of judgment. And I'm like, dude, I used to do poetry. Like I used to write, Oh man, I wonder if I can still do that thing, right?
Speaker 1 44:08 So I have the nerve to set up my whole ITV system with the, with the laptop or whatever, and I'm going to jump on YouTube and I type in gay poets, right? Cause that's my life. That's what I want to hear. This is what I'm about to do. So I looked that up and low and behold, this lady by the name of, uh, Jackie Perry pops up and she's dressed, you know, kind of different in between. I'm like, but she doesn't really look gay, but it says my life has a stud so she should, okay. Right. So I click it, dude. God made it so hard. So hard. Yeah. Like I'm like, Hey, this, this will work. This is my thing. Right. Press play or click the little link or whatever, and then it opens up. And if you have not heard the poem, my God, pause here, go listen to it and come back.
Speaker 1 45:05 Okay. So she basically goes into the fact that she used to live a lifestyle being gay. Right. And when I realized that she was trying to say without saying that I'm not gay anymore, I started like trying my best to cut this thing off. I'm like, cut off, cut off. You know, I'm pressing a little space bar, I'm clicking on my screen, you know, and it won't cut off. I'm like, since when does my mouse pad not working? You know, like his windows is Baden, right? You're not leaving, you're going to sit here and take it, you know? And so, um, so basically she's like going into the fact that like, you know, I wear this false thing between my legs, something I can never have.
Speaker 1 45:53 It says get away, you know, and I just rocked my world because what it showed me was kind of like God's version of a thing. Like they're saying, show me that, Hey, you can go this way. God was like, what you would also change is show me that it was possible. Right. I could, I don't have to say like this, but it didn't feel, was it, is it fair to say it didn't even feel like that was even a thing to change because you said, this is me, right? This is who I am. This is natural. This is who I've always been. I'm telling my mom, I'm happy. Right? Like this is me. Yeah. So, and you go in and you're like gay poetry because that's who I am, who I am. Yeah, exactly. So I just go in and I say gay poetry because that's who I am.
Speaker 1 46:44 And she's like, but you're not. Jesus says you're not, but you can change, but you can change. And that threw me for a complete and utter loop. I'll link that poem in the notes please. By the way. We'll link that to get it. Yeah. So that thing rocked my world. I mean, I say it, I mean I say that like something that was stable, had been stable for like a few years now, shaken so hard. Now I'm going back and looking at myself in the mirror. Like, why do I have like a peach fuzz? You know, why, why am I sagging? You know, like it started making me question myself in a way that I had not questioned myself in a few years and was perfectly fine without questioning, you know. So I, um, basically had to begin to process the fact that this is not concrete, but it can be changed.
Speaker 1 47:44 And so, um, I will say, so that's the brick wall that got threw out there. Cause I couldn't do nothing about it. It was Derrick couldn't help but see it. And so over the next couple years, like I said, it was not a quick transition for me. Um, went through different things of seeing like signs, like do you know where you're going if you're die, you know, like those billboards work. Okay. And they're real in Texas. Can we just say <inaudible> are everywhere and they are real. Yes. Right. So I'm seeing like science, like this random people saying, you know, have a blessed day. So it's like when you say, when you say to tag cashier, if you tell them have a blessed day and you might think, Oh, I'm just saying, you know, have a blessed day. That might be the little tipping point that that cashier needs to go to church that next Sunday.
Speaker 1 48:34 Right? So stuff like this is happening to me more and more. And I'm was just like, what is this? Like why won't you? What? Why is it God popping up places that he isn't quote unquote supposed to be on the back of tee shirts while I'm walking to the club. You know, what, what's happening here? And so basically that slowly turned into a bit of curiosity. And I would love, love, love, love, love to say that I started going to church and things got better and I was set free from Titan. You know, I don't know why you said tone of voice, but I would love to say that that was the case, but it wasn't right. I started, I dove into, um, new age. Oh, sure. So I dive into that cause it's like spirituality, but I keep my sexuality, it's one size fits all.
Speaker 1 49:30 Like universal you, right, exactly. So I dive into that and um, I'm doing that, but I'm also like making my girlfriend come with me to church. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Interesting situation. Some part of me was actually looking for conviction. Never got it. By the way. No one ever said anything to me about it. No one even tried to talk to me about it. I kind of wanted it at the time, but I understand because it can be a hard conversation and try to have with people who are in their lifestyle. So whatever. I'm doing all this, watching these, you know, self-help videos and all this other stuff. And I kept hearing things that sounded familiar, like love, love is a rules. All our love is universal. I'm like, why did that sound like church a little bit? It kind of sounds like Jesus, you know, it kind of sounds like that.
Speaker 1 50:18 And, and so, um, with that being said, there was more and more, um, things that were popping up. Like yeah, basically if you ask for it then you'll receive it. And I'm like, why all these things kind of sound like the Bible, like more and more. And so basically what that led me to is like, alright, y'all are cheating the system because they start saying things. There are literally scriptures, but they're not saying that it's scriptures. And I realized that maybe the key to all this whole like happy, positive thought process isn't necessarily me sitting in my room doing a chant. Right? But maybe it can be found in God and maybe it can be found in the Bible. So I had the nerve to do crazy stuff like listen to TD Jakes, Lord God, it's over. It's a wrap. Okay, so dancing, you're done.
Speaker 1 51:15 Right? Like it's, you know, so I get off into TD Jakes and what he's saying makes a lot of sense. I'm like, man, this is good, but you know, I still, I'm still smoking, I'm still drinking. I'm still, I still got these women. I'm still doing all this other extra stuff. Right. And I really wish that I could remember the name of this sermon, but I don't know it, but I do remember what he said. But he talked about how God can basically like change your life and transform you. And you can be a part of that process. And I'm not saying it as cool as he did, but what he says is that if you used to drink but you don't drink anymore, like don't act like a drunk stop acting like a drunk person. You know, like, stop going to bars. Stop doing this.
Speaker 1 52:02 Stop doing that. You used to smoke and you don't smoke anymore. Why are you still buying GARS? Like, stop buying these, stop buying the equipment that leads to it. Like stop doing that. And then he goes into the homosexual thing like, and he even talks about like if you used to be, I'm a gay male and you're not gay anymore, why are you still walking with a twist? Get, get yourself in the mirror and figure out how to walk differently. And then he flips it and he talks about the woman's side of it too. And I'm literally in the room, like I was here for the self help part.
Speaker 1 52:35 Like what is this? You know, like I was not here for that. And so, um, so that time period happens where God is like using, uh, sermons now, t-shirts, now, billboards, all these other different things. And um, and my desire to understand is growing. I took a semester off from school so I can kind of have like a self realization like I need to, who am I? What do I want? What I want to do, what I'm in school for is not what I want anymore. I'm having conflict over here now. But this homosexual thing, I'm thinking, I don't want to be this anymore. And so, uh, slowly basically if we speed it up again, I ended up, um, this is like a year or so later I move cause I had to, cause I got evicted and NASA hold up the story really bad.
Speaker 1 53:22 Let's just say I wasn't taken care of none of my business. And, and I ended up having to get my stuff together for awhile. I was sleeping on friend's couches, um, sleeping out on my car and not because I had to, but because I refused to go home. Um, and I want to make sure I go on record saying my mom and my whole family and my dad, all of them, they were like, you can come home. But I was like, if I come back home, I'm probably not going to finish school and I didn't want to not finish. Right. And so, um, I continue to basically struggle for a little bit. I ended up getting an apartment. Um, I got a job and I got my own little apartment and that I shared. And so with that being said, that leads me to even more of God just pouring out and know this is like maybe like two years or year and a half.
Speaker 1 54:08 This is like an extended time. It's not like, Oh, a couple months, this is a build up to this thing. So now I'm going to this job. I was working at Cracker barrel at the time and uh, you know, so I was working at Cracker barrel at the time and I'm going to use her name. Um, I met this young lady named Hannah. And so my desire to understand God had been growing during this time period, but I still had this whole sin nature that was clearly still there and still pretty prevalent. But you know, listening to sermons, you know, figuring it out. But I remember hearing the voice of God in an authoritative way that I had never heard before and it had to do with Hannah. So the first time I saw her note, Hannah Hannah is pretty, she's a beautiful young lady and I saw her and of course the sin nature is like, we're, Hey, how you doing? You know, and I hear, don't touch my child
Speaker 6 55:09 Straight up looks square, like just,
Speaker 1 55:14 It's almost like your fork. When I think about it, like the fact that I hurt got that clearly, like don't touch my child.
Speaker 1 55:23 And I was, I was good. I was like, Nope, I don't know what that was but whatever that was was not my thought and it will sound different. I don't want it, you know. And so, um, in later on down the line, she ends up befriending me. We become really good friends and Hannah's like a straight up Christian Christian and I'm just going to go on record saying that. And when I say that, I don't mean it from the standpoint of like, Oh she tells her Bible around and she calls scripture at, you know, like she genuinely loves you. She, she gives love to you from a Christ like place. And she, even when she's mad, she's happy. You know, it's like why everybody up here is frustrated cause it's a really busy day and you got a glow. Like what is that glow? Why are you at peace while everybody's in chaos?
Speaker 1 56:09 And she's also the Christian Christian who is like, I know y'all probably don't want to go, but I'm going to invite all y'all to church. Anyway, so she's, she's that in. But what she became for me in that season was almost like a beacon, kind of how Jackie show me that it was possible. Hannah, show me what it was like to live a Christlike life day in and day out when it's good, when it's bad, when it's sunny, when it's raining, like it is possible to live this thing out and have genuine joy, like genuine peace, be able to alter the atmosphere of a room just by walking in like she had that, that presence of God was on her in a heavy way. And so she had been asking me to come out with her to church. So many times I would just be like, Hannah, I'm not coming with you to church, dude.
Speaker 1 56:58 Like I is Sunday evening. I just got off this Sunday morning shift. I'm going home, probably go drink and go smoke. That's what I'm going to go do. Um, so basically what happens is, is that there's one Sunday where she's, she kinda just pretty much like lay all the chips out on the table and I didn't have plans that evening, like zero plans. She's like, listen, I will drive. I would drive there, just meet me here. You could park your car here at the job. It's a halfway point. I pick you up from here and we'll go to church and we'll come back. Right. This is like with Sunday night is youth service. And I'm like, Oh God, I don't want to say yes to this. So I ended up saying yes and I talked to another one of my eyes, said friends to come with me.
Speaker 1 57:47 I'm like, Hey, we're going to go to this church. They're going to do searching. Hannah wants to go, let's just go. She's like, hi bro, I'll come. So we both go, right. So I didn't want to be by myself, you know, the st and then the center. I didn't want to be that. So we, we, we go and she picks us up. Like she says she would and everything and we drive out to Lakewood, we go to this youth service and this thing, I remember walking in there and I know there's people who care for Lakewood people who don't, but I never had a bias. I was just like, whatever, it's a church. It is what it is. But for me, when I walked through that door of the sanctuary and the music was slight, loud, I was like, Oh no, y'all are saying it right.
Speaker 1 58:29 You know, like why are people jumping up and down? Like they're my age and younger and older. Why are they jumping up and down? Why aren't people clapping? Why is she crying? Like, why do y'all know all these words? Like why does everybody have that same glow that Hannah has? Like what is, what is this? And it was almost like entering into a completely different world that I was unaware that it even existed, you know? And so I, we're there and we find our seats and I remember just feeling like, this is joy. This is, this is excitement that doesn't, that isn't tied to a bottle. Like I can have club like fun without alcohol or weed. Who knew that this was possible, you know, so celebrating, jumping up and down, singing the songs, which I don't really know the words, but the words are on the screen.
Speaker 1 59:22 So I'm trying, you know, whatever everyone else is doing it, why not? Let's just jump into fun. My friend on the other hand, it's looking to me like you are tripping. Um, so there's, there's this one portion, um, and it's in between where they do like a worship and then someone comes up and they give like an in between talk and then like they do like another worship thing and the pastor walks out and my man is out here and freaking skinny jeans and a tee shirt. Like what the heck, how is he even remotely dressed like this? And he was so relatable. And so they go into some more worship. And I remember hitting the floor and like bawling because I'm starting to feel like love and this love, I feel like I haven't felt since I was a kid, you know, like this is that thing. Like this is the love of God. And that's kind of the only thing that I could equate it to. So this is worship. This is, the service hadn't even started yet. I was on the floor crying. So my friend is really gave me like, I'm crazy and hands in the background like,
Speaker 2 00:23 Gotcha, you got to get saved tonight. So I'm like,
Speaker 1 00:30 You know, on a little grinder and everything. And uh, so he goes through the service and I don't even remember what he preached about. And honestly, I don't know if it, if, if it was even that important, you know? But what was important is that I felt the love, I know that he talked about, um, God being able to meet you where you are and he's not mad at you. It's like, what, you know, he's not mad at me, but I've been like doing crazy stuff, you know? And at the end of it, I remember like almost like a runner on the, in the blocks, like waiting for the opportunity, like say the thing, say come down here and receive Jesus, you better say it.
Speaker 2 01:09 Take it out of the script. Right.
Speaker 1 01:13 You know? And so he uh, the AutoCall yeah. So he is, uh, he finally gives it, and I'm like practically like mushing people in the face to get out of this role. Like, and I see this, it was almost like magnetic, like I could not help but be drawn and propelled to get down there like as fast as I possibly could because I can not let this go. I want that glow thing that Hannah has. I want this joy that all these people seem to have. I want to jump up and down in the songs that I barely know. Like I want whatever this is that feeling that I felt when I cried and I felt like just this warmth of love wash over me. You mean to tell me? I can get this on a regular dude, I want this. So I sprint down there, bolt bolt of lightning, get down there. And of course they did the whole come to Jesus, you know, conversation and, and talk. And we did that and now we go to the back and we have a little bit more of an in depth conversation. And of course I'm still dressed like a guy. And so, you know, all the super saints,
Speaker 2 02:15 We got us one, you know, and uh,
Speaker 1 02:20 I'm just kinda like happy to be here guys, you know, like, so we do that. And uh, so basically just kind of fast forwarding again over the next like several months. God like rocks my world and it shows me that dude, I don't really have to be this way. Um, we flash forward a couple more months. I remember being in my room, like sitting on the floor and bawling and crying because I could not stop viewing women in a lustful way. And I'm like, dude, I can't change this. Like I am previous citizen, which I didn't say earlier, I had trialed a couple of times. I mean like wearing booty shorts with my legs, Harry, what are you doing? You can't do this, you should just stop it, you know? Um, but in this moment I remember hitting the floor in my room and crying and saying, I can't do this myself.
Speaker 1 03:14 Like, God, Jesus, if you don't want me to be this way, you're going to have to change it because I cannot do it myself. And getting up from net prayer, which is more like a, just a cry out for help to be honest, I don't even know if I said amen. Um, and having to go on campus later on that day. And so man, the power of God. Okay. So I'm walking on campus and there's a young lady attractive of course, and she gives me the weekend a gun pretty much like hi you doing and says like hello or something like that to me. And I was like, Hey. And I kept walking and then like I took like a few more steps and I was like, wait, did I just curve her like that? Just like play her to the left. And it blew my mind because for the first time in a very, very long time, I didn't feel the need to go and pull that string.
Speaker 1 04:15 I didn't feel the desire to want to get to know her, to obtain what I'm after really. Like I didn't, it was gone and it was freeing in like, okay, what's next? You know, like, like kid with wide eyes. Like there's a whole new world, you know who sings that song that this is song. It's a whole new world. Yeah, yeah. There we go. Exactly. Like so, and that's what it felt like. Like I don't have to be, you know, ball and chain to this lust. I don't have to chase tail, I don't have to do this. And so, um, was that being said? Basically we, I over time in the throwing away all the instruments that I use to be in that homosexual lifestyle, which is really hard to do because if you throw those items away, then you're serious, serious because you're now about to go buy anymore.
Speaker 1 05:15 Cause it costs too much. And so I, I ended up doing those things away and I remember like hovering, having the bag with all of that stuff in it and hover it over the trash can and being like, okay God, okay, I'm serious. Like I'm serious now because up until that point I had still been tampering here and there and feeling like crap afterwards but still trying. So I throw this stuff away and slowly but surely my clothes start to change. My tone of voice starts to change. Um, I move into another apartment. We're out, I'm out of the amount of preview now. Now I'm actually planning in Houston and I have meet a really route, uh, reunite with a really good friend of mine and she helps me go through the process of throwing away literally all my boy clothes and that it was almost like shedding a dead layer of skin.
Speaker 1 06:16 And it had been dying for a while, but by the time we got to that point, it was just a flaky scape scap that needed to be pulled off. And that's what I did. I threw away all of the shoes, the jury, the t-shirts, the pants, the hats. I got rid of it all because I felt like that life is attached to these things. And when I look at that shirt, I remembered of X, Y, and Z. Look at those shoes, look at that. So I was like, let's just get rid of it all. And so I did. And then I had to go through the experience of trying to figure out how the heck to be a woman. And then if I'm being honest, I'm still figuring it out. I mean, I'm just going to say, I think, I feel like if we're being honest, a lot of us are still figuring out whether we share that part of your pastor or not.
Speaker 1 07:05 Right? Because it's a beautiful and complicated thing. Yeah. I feel like to bear God's image come on as a woman. Yeah, it is. We have a lot of blueprints for how to bear his image as a man. Right. But we, we have some blueprints for bearing it as a woman, but it's few and far in between. And so we have to look forward. So yeah. Yeah, definitely. So I go through that process and um, man, just really, really confusing days of not wanting to wear tight clothes with feeling I had to cause that's what girls do and I'm trying to do that now. And it was just tough look at my looking at myself in the mirror and still seeing like instead of seeing a girl trying to figure it out, I was still seeing like a confused little boy and it's like, but I'm not a boy.
Speaker 1 08:04 You know, and going through that realization of okay, I'm a girl, I'm a woman and there is nothing wrong with that. As a matter of fact, it's a positive. We bear children, you know, like in, in searching for, um, what are the, what are the pluses for being a woman? Cause, like I said when I was, when I had to wear trainer bras, it became a negative. But God was taking it and flipping it and showing me all of the things that are beautiful about being a woman and showing me that those qualities that you initially used to admire in women and what attracted you to them. Um, you have all of those same qualities. So it's like you're, it's not a bad thing. And so I went through a process of finding out that being a woman is not a bad thing. It's a blessing.
Speaker 1 08:59 I should be grateful for this. I should be grateful for, uh, my, for lack of better terms, my boobs, my hips, um, for the way a woman can change the room when she enters it. Um, for the fact that one day out, and this is crazy to say this now, but I'll bear kids, you know, like, and the craziest say now to the one day I could be married, cause he told me that I would be, which rocked my socks off and I was so dressed like her guy like to show me all of these things and how a woman is a, um, it's an integral part of the family structure. Like there is so much strength and beauty in being a woman. And so it took him time and he's still working on me in that area as well. But it took me, he took time to really show me that and to really just prune off of all those dead layers of hatred, literally for myself, you know? And so that was a major process that I'm grateful that he took me through. Um, so yeah, that was very long, but awesome. Um, yeah,
Speaker 0 10:02 I'm excited about it because what I didn't say when we first started this and I told Nisha was
Speaker 1 10:09 Going to, is, um,
Speaker 0 10:13 I, we've, I've, one of my other friends has shared his testimony in addition to a lot of other stuff. He's been working as a counseling pastor for a long time. You can, I'll link that episode. It's with the friend of mine name Andrew Franklin. Um, and, and Jesus radically, Andrew radically surrendered his life to Jesus and we met him right on the other side of that. And so I knew Andrew's story, right. Um, but when you and I met, we, we barely touched on it. I think we barely touched on it because for some reason, Jackie Hill Perry came up and I think it was because I had just discovered her years ago and I was like, you people don't know who this is, Barry. I don't know. I don't know if you don't know who this is, but for some reason that was a connection point for us.
Speaker 0 11:03 I don't even remember why. And you kind of originally initially said, yeah, we kind of share a story. Yeah. And because I had just discovered her, had watched like all of her poetry at that point I was like, okay, I know what that means. Um, but I, it's probably fair to say at that point you weren't really talking about it that much, like your testimony, at least I don't think you, I don't know if you'd shared it publicly at that point you had, you had, you weren't talking about it with me poems, but there were poems, but I wasn't out here walking the phone folks, you know, but I think for some reason, maybe it's, maybe it's me. Maybe I would say it's more fair for, for me to say, I felt like I synced a hesitation. It may not have been there. Yeah. Know it could have been.
Speaker 0 11:53 I felt like I sensed it. Hesitation. So I kind of thought, I think maybe that's where she's comfortable like that, that's where we're going to go. But, um, so I say all that to say this is the first time I've heard niches. Full-out story is sitting right here. I don't do that all the time, especially with a topic like this. But I felt comfortable today because Nisha is my friend and I trust the Lord in her to share this in a way that's going to be glorifying to him. Um, and that's going to be high theology and high relationship. Um, and so that's kind of that part real quick before we sign off though. Um, you're married. Yeah. And you have a brand. Yeah. I would say the reason that I, I don't even know, maybe I told you this, so, um, this was like, you had maybe, I don't know if you had started school yet, but you had been accepted to school.
Speaker 0 12:57 You were done driving. Cause when random, when we led talked previously before that you were driving, um, delivery truck and then, and then you had started, nothing had gone right, but we hadn't seen each other in while, so we were trying to catch up and, and I was like, Hey girl, how's it going? You know, and you, and I'm like, what are you doing now? Are you still, are you still working for, you know, whatever it was, FedEx or whatever and you're like, and you're like, man, I, I'm, I'm going to get ready to go to seminary. And he said, he said, girl is just, it's, it's, and that, and, and right now it's just like nothing but God full time.
Speaker 0 13:33 That's my girl. I did not know. She had a brand called nothing but God. And I thought, this is it, but, but here's the point. I was saying that it didn't shock me. I thought that was very natural. I thought this woman is literally, she's in her bedroom studying all day. Like that's what she's doing. Um, but, but that's, but that's it. I think like that's what I see coming out of this story is it's like there's, it's nothing but God for you. It's, it's him or nothing. It's him or nothing come out of where you came from, where it's all of these other things and now it's nothing but God or it's, it's God or it's nothing else. Yes. There's, there's not anything else. Right? Like there's, there's not anything else. And I think like in the conversation, and you and I have had usually not with microphones, right?
Speaker 0 14:30 Usually at my dining room table or at some hip coffee place. You take me to that. I've never heard of it. Or you love it? I love it because I'm like, I don't get the chance to, let's just be honest, mama for kids. I'm not spending a lot of time at coffee shops, but back when we could go out. But, um, anyway, but, but I'm like for you, what I see in you as a friend, when I hear that all of these other things used to be a part of your life, it's odd for me, but I think God had to clear all of that out. Yes, it's a sin issue. Yes, it's this, yes, it's that. But, but he had so much more, there's so much more for you in him. Come on. And I think when, when you're, when you're saying, I've got this trash bag of stuff that I'm ready to, I'm just ready to let go of it.
Speaker 0 15:18 Um, it's like, because God doesn't want you to toil in that, right? Like he has, he just feel like you were kind of spinning your wheels, but I'm like, God wants you to, God wants you to spin around in him. Like what does he have for you? He has the word that you're spinning around right now. He has this, you know, doctrine and theology stuff that you're, you're thinking about like that's where your mind is. You're celebrating, you're leading youth, you're doing all of these things. God had to clear out, yeah. All of those other things in your life to make room for him. Right? Like there wasn't, there wasn't room for him there with all of that other stuff. Yeah. For you, it's, I say the brand backwards for you. It's nothing but God, but it's God or nothing. Yes. There's nothing, there's not anything else. And honestly
Speaker 7 16:07 Though, like, like that is this, that is the point. That is the point. And so the, the whole point of nothing, but God is really to give him glory because I couldn't change myself. I tried failed. And so people say, well, how did you change? Nothing but God. And it's not a cliche like, dude, no, not one of us can change on our own. It only takes it. You can only change through the blood of Christ and through his grace, his mercy, and he comes on side of you and couples with you and walks you on that path. Points out the different potholes, pulls off the dead things off of your life and in breathes new life into you. Only God can do that. Only God can bring true transformation. So nothing, but God for me is not gimmicky. It's a little thing is literal.
Speaker 7 16:57 And so like you said, is God or nothing. That is the point. I cannot, I cannot, I don't have breath in my body without him. I don't have bread on my table without, none of this is possible without him. And so it's, it's a lifestyle. It's a testimony is, it's a praise. It's a worship. It's an acknowledgement that in my humanity I am nothing without you. So my whole and entire life is nothing but God. So when people ask me, how did you get here? How'd you do that? How did that door open? How's your life change is nothing but God. Right. And I don't, it's not a plug. It's like no serious. Seriously is nothing but God. And I mean that. That's it. It's like this morning he said when he said that when he's walking with you,
Speaker 0 17:47 Um, this morning I was, I finished up Luke and, um, and in the last chapter after Jesus has resurrected, right? And you got the guys who are walking and, and Jesus comes on the scene, right? And he starts walking with him and he's like, what's going on?
Speaker 2 18:05 And they're like, what are you, the only, you're literally the only person in Jerusalem who does not know what you are trying to do.
Speaker 0 18:12 Tell me. You're literally the only one who doesn't know what happened. And then, you know, Luke says, and then he walked with them and he started basically turning it over and telling them everything from the scriptures, everything from the scriptures and illuminating come on how it was him. And then later these guys are trying to tell the disciples like, dude, you don't like, and he's like, yeah, that was me. And, and, and there was a line in this particular version that I was reading, and I'll probably butcher it right now, but they basically said it was kind of like this realization of yes, I remember that our hearts felt heartfelt. Like they were shining and now we know why. Right. And it takes me back to when you're saying, well, I, I can feel this.
Speaker 2 18:59 Yeah, it is. What is this?
Speaker 0 19:01 Yeah. That was God. He then he revealed himself to me and I realized, Oh yeah, that was him. Did our hearts not burned?
Speaker 2 19:09 Did our hearts now I asked, he spoke to him. A seminary and friend would go there. Yes, they did my heart. Right. Yeah. That's different translation. Different translations. Right. I think this one said something like it's something about a shine, but yes,
Speaker 0 19:21 It's not burn in our hearts not burn when he was with us. Come on. Right. Yeah. And it's just like, but that's what, that's what he has for us. That's what he has for us is so good
Speaker 7 19:33 And he could do it. I think that the whole point and purpose and I, if I'm being Frank with you and myself and honest with everybody who's going to listen, that is where I'm taking nothing but God right now. Cause I feel like in the beginning we shied away from just being very vocal. But I'm at the point where it's like, no, seriously, I'm super Christian.
Speaker 2 19:54 Like <inaudible>. But no, like
Speaker 7 20:01 I have D he infects everything that I do. Everything that I do and I don't know, I no longer want to make a shirt that looks cool, that has is vaguely about him. It's like, no, you're going to get this Jesus. If you're following up the mega page, you know us up. If you rock in a brand, you know what's up. And when people see it's not a question like this is literally what we're about. God can change your life. God can do it. He can heal the marriage, he can heal the cancer, he can, he can walk on water for God's sake. Cause he literally, for his sake, he can do whatever it is that he wants to do. And he can. And so it's like that is what I'm, I'm gearing up to start driving forward and tell him my testimony even more, especially from that platform because people need to know he can. And when he does, the clarity is nothing but God because you could not have done it yourself, could not have healed the cancer, could not have saved your marriage, could not have transformed your life. And so I,
Speaker 0 21:03 I'm very, very excited. I'm excited. Oh, I really wish you would've talked about God a lot sooner. Cause that is like literally my favorite topic. Okay. Why not? I mean, we'll come back some time and talk about Jesus the whole time, the whole time. Cause you're not going anywhere. I'm really not. I'm not going anywhere. We're literally almost not going anywhere. Yeah. Right. Yeah, we really can't. We really can't. I know. Um, so I mean we're, we're, we're going to link nothing but God in the notes. I got a new hat today. I'm pumped. I think you're going to bust it out. Um, but, and we didn't talk about Mike either. Okay. Next time we'll talk about mostly Jesus and a little bit of Mike. Thank you. Okay. That's, those are my two favorite topics. I mean, yeah, my critical. Yeah. I love that guy. I just got to say married. You're married to a whole man. You love him. Yes. I love him too. I love him too.
Speaker 0 21:56 This is the truth. But no, I love him too. And this is, this is what is been so fun is because Nisha story doesn't look anything like my story, but it doesn't matter. Come on because when God says he brings people together as family and we can love each other and then other people can know who he is because we love each other. Mom, I mean, Nisha takes me to the hip coffee places. Her husband falls asleep on my couch and we watch it. We watch a movie. It's like, but he doesn't, this is one of when it says favorite verses is, um, we think about it in terms of adoption, but it's like God sets the lonely in families come on and um, and sets testimony when he was coming out of college, which looks nothing like yours, but it was when God radically got ahold of his life and he finally said, I think I'm ready to be married.
Speaker 0 22:55 But it was that phrase, he was lonely and, and God said, I'm in a family. Right. And I can hear that in your store too. It's all of our story. You were searching for some things, some something that felt like home and God put you in a family putting you in his family, right? You put me in that family and now we're here in this family together being brothers and sisters and doing what we do. Um, and our stories look different and our past look different and our futures look different. But we can walk together. Like Jesus walked with that crew and said, let me just tell you, it's all about me. Yeah, this is, this is it. This is where I am. Can I throw something in here? Yeah.
Speaker 7 23:37 I think that there is a family tree of God and there's a bunch of different branches that have been grafted in and this tree has apples, oranges, bananas, pineapples, any other thing, grapes, anything, anything, any fruit. It all has all these different fruits that are grafted onto one trunk from one base and that is Christ and he is that vine and thank you for the book by the way.
Speaker 0 24:08 I mean I was going to say that but that was my most influential part. We're going to link that to his new book. It was so good. But it's the I am the true vine. Yes, he is the true vine. Apart from him we can do nothing. Nothing, nothing because there's nothing but God. But,
Speaker 7 24:24 But seriously though, what you said is so very true and the tree looks different. We're all different. When you bite into an orange, it does not taste like an Apple or it shouldn't. And vice versa with grapes or bananas, any other thing? It all tastes different, but he has it all a part of his family because the world needs us to all bear our different fruit and our own temperaments and our own ways and in our own colors. And it's all a part of the single body of God. But he needs us all to bear our own fruit differently because someone who needs that banana is going to not really understand that Apple, but the person who needs that banana and when they find it, they realize like there is a branch of this that I can relate to that looks like me. Maybe I can also be a part of that family. So that's all I want to add in there. That's really good though.
Speaker 0 25:13 That's really good. No, I'm pumped about it. So we're going to stop. Here's the deal Nisha. And this is what I'm saying. I'm more nervous about interviewing my real life friends because I'm like, this is going to be a long podcast, but that's okay. Um, so I'm going to link everything in the notes. Um, we're going to do a shout out. Hey Mike Pittman. Hey babe. Because you know, next time, I mean, who knows, maybe we'll have Mike on. I dunno. But, um, so we're going to link all of this, all of the, all of the things we'll link, uh, nothing but God, the website, the brand, so you can see all of that. Nisha, is she serious? I mean, the shirt that we ended up working on a little bit together, that is a thing that is a thing. And that was a serious shirt.
Speaker 0 25:58 This was, this is not, um, ambiguous. Not at all. Not, so the whole salvation came out of it. I know. And I feel like I'm, I'm, I may do even a separate link to that merge if it's on, that's a possibility. We can work that. I mean, I don't know if it's on, but anyway. Um, but yeah, so it's, it's, it's a real thing. But anyway, willing nothing. But God will link the Beth Moore book that we talked about. Jackie and Jackie. Yes, Jackie. Heck. And maybe we'll even link the Lakewood youth or something. But, you know, but it's like the, the whole point of this is, um, we once were lost, right? Come on. So we once were lost, but now we're found, so we're gonna sign off Neisha. I'm out. This is the best man. This is the best. Yep. All right, we'll talk soon. So thank you again so much for listening. Don't forget to subscribe so you won't miss an episode. Share the link with your friends. You can visit
[email protected]. And until next time, this is Alexis Piseti remembering to do well for ourselves so we can do good for others.
Speaker 4 27:08 <inaudible>.
